I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
