I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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