Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
