GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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