why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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