He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
