Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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