That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
