i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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