Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
