she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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