Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
