Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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