someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
