You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
