I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
try to milk me bitch
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
