Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
