I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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