Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
