Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
