You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
