I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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