I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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