no, he came in my armpit
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
