I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
