I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Randomize
