1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
