Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
