There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
