Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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