Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
