I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
