Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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