i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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