This is not my ceiling
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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