I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
