Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhhâ€
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
