Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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