I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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