Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
