My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize