Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
