i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
