Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
