I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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