At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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