: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
