Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
