somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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