I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
