I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
