I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
