I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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