I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
