Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
