omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
