I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
