Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i think i have two assholes
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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