Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.