Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
