Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
