I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
